A ranty, funny, dead-serious intersectional feminist blog.

We Deserve Better Men

Content Note: SA/CSA/gaslighting


Me, age 3 or so

To the men, related and unrelated to me, who used my body from age four to 48, who felt entitled to take from me without my consent in nearly every way,

I deserved better.

To the men who told me that I lied about what happened to me, that what happened to me was my fault, that what happened to me wasn’t really what it absolutely was,

I deserved better.


To the men who pretended until they got what they came for,

I deserved better.

To the men who told me that my emotions were the problem, not their behavior,

I deserved better.

To the men who fled after decades of “friendship” because avoiding the discomfort they felt when I spoke about my lived experience was more important to them than understanding and accepting and dealing with me as a whole person, 

I deserved better.

To the men who claim to care about me who helped elect a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic sexual predator into the White House,

I deserved better.

To the men who tell me that I’m driving them away; that I would have more allies in my fight for equality and justice and truth if I was “nicer” and not so “angry,” 

Please. I deserve better. 

I demand better. I’m not going to accept anything less than your best effort to be a decent human being, and being a decent human most of the time is never going to inoculate you against criticism or accountability when you cause harm.

And you’re really going to have to stop taking every criticism of shitty male behavior personally.

I have come to a stage of life when I owe it to myself to give my energy only to those people whose presence results in enough joy to offset any pain they cause. I’m sick of ignoring bad behavior. I’m tired of “not letting it get to me.” I’m done trying to be “nicer” because men’s feelings are too fragile to handle the truth, even in general terms. When they can’t resist the compulsion to Kool-Aid-man into the room and proclaim “it happens to MEN too!” or drop the ubiquitous and oh-so-constructive “Not ALL men!” 

I have reached an age where I have higher standards for people in general, but it really boils down to this:

If I’m going to have men in my life, they need to be better men.

We deserve better men. 

PSA: Abusive commenters will be deleted and banned, so kindly piss off in advance. (Comment Policy)

Related on makemeasammich.org:

Not All Men, But These Ones

A Brief History (the Bad Parts Version)

Dear Entitled Straight White Dudes

5 responses

  1. justsomeasshole

    From all the Nice Guys ™ you probably ignored, be careful what you fish for

    August 20, 2017 at 4:45 am

    • The so-called “nice guys” who feel the need to announce it like this (particularly because they feel they’ve been “ignored”) are, in my experience, generally not nice at all. They tend to feel entitled to women’s attention for existing. And they also tend to think everything’s about them—enough so that their response to a litany of abuse and bullshit perpetrated by men is to whine about “nice guys” getting ignored. It’s a sadly common reaction.

      Also, I cut bait years ago. 💅 Swim along, fishie. 😘

      August 21, 2017 at 12:38 pm

  2. mky

    Wow I’m sorry you suffered this pain. No one deserves that.

    May 1, 2017 at 12:38 pm

  3. Yasmin

    Damn right ! A big thank you for your plain honest to goodness analysis. Bravo for the guts and courage to keep going to this triumphant point in your life. Indeed, if themajority of women would wake up and stop pandering to the lazy, entitled hate-filled idiocy of men, such men would have to change or have to stay alone. (Note how many men moan about women, but without one it their life, they soon fall into depression, self-harming and suicide. Women on their lonesome, in contrast are more likely to thrive than when partnered with a man. Speaks volumes!

    May 1, 2017 at 10:39 am

  4. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

    May 1, 2017 at 6:01 am

Chime in:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s